You can't be friends with me when you're like this!
[the emptiness of the statement reflects the emptiness of the tiled atrium; he always wants more from Haru than he can give, but this time, it's too much. Rin's not good enough for Makoto, not good enough to race, not good enough to befriend the Iwatobi team, not good enough for anything -- really, everything he suspected all along. it hurts, it hurts like breathing with broken ribs, but it's too late to change anything. he can't stuff his feelings about Makoto back into any box, and he wouldn't want to. he can't stop the high intensity of emotion he feels around Haru, and he couldn't if he tried. he can't keep from fucking up, but what else is new? he was born into this world that way, why should that pattern ever change?]
I've never hurt him, I've never put you in a position that -- and you still --
[a sob stops him, and he realises abruptly he's lost before he's even gotten into the water. he always has more to lose, when Haru bets nothing; no emotion, no relationships on the line. Rin's always been the outsider, and he was stupid to think anything's changed, just because they've been forced to live together here. it's forced, after all -- at home he'd be back in Australia, and Makoto would tire of long distance, and Haru would never have had to grow so uneasy. maybe they all would have drifted apart by now]
[Rin turns away, ashamed of his tears and his reckless way of feeling, and sits in the very spot Haru vacated. his goggles, crushed in his fist, have become tangled in themselves. he can't swim like this at all, and tosses them to the side with a harsh clatter]
-- Tell him anyway, if you won't race me for it. It's not like I could stop you.
[ "you can't be friends with me when you're like this."
as empty as it might be, it resonates. there is no denying that he can't function as rin's friend while he's like this, and though he thinks everything is fine with makoto, he can't help but feel like he's doing something wrong or secretive every time he's around him and accepting his smiles.
why was growing up so painful and annoying? he misses how things are, but he's told himself to stop looking back. except right now he can't help but look back, after feeling his heart sink at rin's broken tone and change of breath.
he glances over his shoulder and feels his stomach lurch at the sight of rin sitting, almost as if he's been defeated. ]
I never noticed before. [ after a silence that felt much longer than it was. ] That I thought you knew. I'm not good at this ... [ he doesn't know how to love like rin or how to live like him or how to make his feelings reach others like he does. ] not like you are. [ he's facing ahead again, keeping his back turned to rin's back. ]
[it's bitter, as defeated as Haru views his posture. the water, cool around his legs, isn't doing much to calm the anticipation (for the worst to come) heating his blood up. he can't stand stand the sound his hard sniffling makes, in the face of Haru's silence]
Good at messing everything up? Yeah, nobody's got me beat there.
[angry, wry humour, the kind Haru might not be so used to, from Rin; remniscent of have you come to laugh to me? and the hundreds of other stupid, asinine things Rin said to hurt himself before Haru could, a year ago]
[(nothing feels worse than regression and loneliness, to Rin. he's had enough of both for a lifetime)]
[he expects Haru to walk away, doesn't bother turning around. rubbing at his eyes stings a bit, from where his hands touched the chlorine puddles at the edge of the pool, but he wants to get rid of all the evidence that he's a colossal failure, as usual]
now that he's shifted away from focusing on the covetous anger of rin taking makoto from him, his heart has slowed enough to be understood by his own thoughts. he wishes he could drown it all out.
there's fear of something unidentifiable. rin had nothing to reject about his feelings — the process already occurred when rin threw himself entirely into his blissful relationship with the best person haru knew. ]
You're really ... so annoying. [ he tempers his breath, which naturally tries to push out in harsh bouts, rolling emotion out of his lungs that he wrestles to keep inside. ]
I thought I had caught up to you. [ he darts his gaze away from the tiled floor, bouncing it back and forth to try and keep his eyes dry with movement. there was no romantic way to reveal something so useless. he never felt ashamed of any of this until now. ] But [ his tone deflates effortlessly, as some last defensive stand his body can put up before it won't take any more, ] I couldn't make my feelings for you known in time. [ and he doesn't think he'll ever feel this again. it's not what he is. rin brought it out of him and then just abandoned him with it. ]
[it's all Rin can do not to bite through his own lip to stifle another stupid, pointless argument about who's annoying, because it's like Haru doesn't even realise there's a kind of tally Rin keeps in his head, of how many times he's "annoying" (and how many times Haru says something actually affirming about their relationship -- and how those numbers have dwindled, since he started dating Makoto). he expects the slap of feet on tile, Haru walking away as Rin watches his stupid towel drift aimlessly, but what he gets instead]
[ -- is something he never expected, because he's never had the ability to see Haru's heart outside of their shared dreams of swimming and winning and water. he's never been able to understand the source of Haru's daily irritation, and sort it out from actual anger or typical ire at being pushed out of his comfort zone]
[he's never been able to think of himself as someone who people have feelings for, which is the very depressing, very real reason he thought, at first, Makoto's confession was just an uncharacteristically tasteless joke]
What feelings?
[he'd looked back instantly, and his face gives him away more than the breathless, worthless question does; he knows exactly what kind of feelings Haru has had, because he'd had them once, too. it's a stunned, red-rimmed, slightly fearful kind of look, because this is completely uncharted waters for them (or at least, uncharted together)]
[ he tries to force more annoyance to his tone, like it's some tired subject that's been worn to death, because looking back at rin might make him say something stupid. he already feels traitorous enough for making it real by saying it aloud anyway. ] It doesn't matter now.
[ could the truth really set him free? or was he going to only sink further?
all he knows is he wants to accept this wholly already. every last bit of it. ]
It's useless to talk about any further. [ yeah he's not turning around any time soon............. ]
[there's a splash of water, Rin lifting his legs out from the pool and turning around. he wants to get up and walk after Haru, but can't seem to; he probably doesn't need to. although unaware of it, Rin's enough of a siren, sometimes, and sitting beside the pool, walls finally down, hands nervously curling around his own knees, might be enough]
[if not, he can still try calling to -- the boy he wants to be his friend, more than anything, more than his rival or his teammate or anything it's already too late for]
Haru.
[soft, uncertain, because it's... all so messy. nothing like the neat love triangles of light novels and afterschool anime. not everything suddenly makes neat sense; namely, the way Haru's pushed him away since they were 12, the way Haru seems to fiercely resent Rin's "taking" of Makoto, the way his jealousy has reared at Rin instead of Makoto. maybe, how they understand these kinds of feelings are too different for Rin to grasp, but they can still try. Sousuke and he clash on basic principles, but they still try -- he wants that freedom to talk and argue and come to conclusions, with Haru, instead of constantly miring himself in endless doubt and anxiety]
Stop -- just, come here, for a minute, stop... running.
[they need to stop running. it just keeps hurting them both, when they do -- Rin's tried it twice before]
[it's the only secret he has (not much of one, considering his emotional transparency), but he does Haru the courtesy of meeting vulnerability for vulnerability]
I had those feelings, too. In... Australia. The first time.
[there was maybe a ghost of those feelings, the last time, but they weren't as important as the dreams and futures they all had to weigh. Rin was in no hurry to complicate his life with any of the Iwatobi boys, has confessed as much to Makoto that he -- avoided thinking about them, in that context, maybe especially Haru]
[ this was somehow worse than he imagined. was his timing just off? he didn't even have the luxury to imagine a "what if" without feeling as if he was doing some damage to his best friend.
his shoulders round as more tension drains while rin speaks — the admittance feeling more like a punch in the gut than anything romantic or relieving. he looks back at rin, then hurriedly rushes his gaze ahead once more, fixing his expression to something more controlled as he fights off any heat to his face. whatever contentment his heartrate had found proves to have been short-lived. ]
Don't say anything like that again.
[ his foot readjusts, turning outward. he's going to join rin, he just. needs a moment. the tips of his ears feel hot and his eyes burn a bit. was catharsis supposed to hit him soon? he wonders if this means he can finally breathe again. all he wanted to do was move past this delayed understanding of his heart that seemed to consistently mess things up for him. ]
[Rin bows his head at the admonition, for once knowing exactly what sentiment Haru was trying to express; the reason he's never told anyone about his crush on Haru as a kid is, well, first, because it would have complicated things. then, because it would have hurt Makoto's feelings and made him feel insecure. now, it seems like things couldn't get more complicated, and if Haru still had those kinds of feelings -- it wasn't Rin's secret to keep anymore, if he wanted to be honest with his boyfriend (and he does, to an absolute fault). he's a little shocked Haru kept this from Makoto, but then... isn't, too. Makoto and Haru both sometimes kept things close to their chests, and it's frustrating for someone like Rin, who can't seem to hold any emotion in]
[he says nothing, letting the calm swish of filtered water and the cool, circulated air of the room take the floor. he's going to have to repeat that painful truth later, to someone it will be more painful to, and he's in no hurry to do so; it's easy to comply with Haru's wishes, for now, and to give him the space he needs in order to close it]
[ he says it calmly and boldly, because that wish is the only thing he understands out of this mess and the only thing that's clear to him. it was a dangerous thought to have, but sometimes he felt as if he could lose anyone and anything but him. still, even as they saw each other less and less back at home. ]
I can't have these feelings anymore because of that.
[ their fight before had scared him more than anything he'd ever felt in his life. to feel that there was a gap created between them, that makoto was warning him that he would keep on moving if haru didn't, terrified him. he turns, finally, and raises his forearm, glancing off to the water as he rubs at his eye with his wrist.
he knows he can't ask rin to not tell makoto, but he hopes it's something that never happens anyway. ]
Don't look at me, got it?
[ he only sounds half-heartedly irate as he keeps his sight fixed away from rin. he then starts over to sit beside him — but not very close. ]
[Rin grunts an affirmation, and -- feels young in a different, somehow less frustrating way than before. he can't place his finger on it, apart from the embarrassing confession, late on both their parts, lying before them. maybe it's just less stressful to think of it that way; childhood crushes, easily overcome with time and distance and maturity. it's less scary than coming to grips with how Haru feels deeply and strongly, and it's why he's always been able to match Rin's emotional intensity, even if he dug his heels in first]
[eyes on a small puddle beside Haru's foot, he says quietly]
I don't want to lose any of you. I thought... back then... that I should never say anything.
[everyone had thought it was cute; Rin-Rin's hero crush on his friend, Haru. as he got older, as he left Haru behind for Australia, he understood the feelings were messier than that. he understood he liked boys, and that he liked swimmers, and that he especially liked people who inspired him more than anything else, and -- and immediately felt terrible, because he'd already thrown Haru and the rest away, and had to keep throwing them away, if he ever wanted to get better and achieve his dad's dream]
First with you, and then with him... but then he said something.
[things have changed since then. he's not 12 and crushing on every inspiring guy to take the diving block, he's pursuing his own dream on his own account, and he's managed to let go of the weird, awful, wonderful tension Haru's always sparked in his gut. he's managed to appreciate Haru for what he actually is, and not the person Rin wants him to be. he's excited to pursue their dreams together, excited to continue being his rival, but -- he doesn't want more than that, anymore. Makoto's given him plenty, and he wouldn't give him up for anything or anyone in the world]
I'm, that is, I... I...
[am in love with Makoto Tachibana, he can't say, because he hasn't said it to Makoto yet. it wouldn't be fair to give his confession to Haru, on several counts]
[ he settles down and dips his legs into the pool, feeling that sense of hopelessness sink deep into his bones. so this was it. he finally said it and that meant he never had to say it again, never even had to think of it again, and his heart could be honest and true for makoto now. he could stop feeling angry at rin, maybe.
he points his toes down in the water, then slowly kicks a leg, fighting the urge to slip in entirely and immerse himself.
so rin maybe felt that way before, but he didn't anymore. what he felt when they were 12 was probably very different than what haru feels now, but he can live with it. he didn't think anything different and wonders what the point was in rin saying anything about his feelings at all. they made his heart jump, briefly, and then left him feeling some sort of grieving acceptance.
but he did feel lighter. ] Maybe they aren't.
[ he says, low, wondering if he can reassure himself and rin at once and convince the both of them. that's when he lets his eyes close, stopping them from welling up and lacing them with an unnoticeable wetness. he keeps them closed. it only takes seconds for them to dry. ]
[it's almost a joke, the dry cadence of it, but the seriousness of their situation keeps it from being too comical]
Oi, you know what the alternative is, right?
[or at least, the only alternative Rin views outside of having 'true' feelings for someone; aka, feeling only lust or attraction, that empty kind of admiration, that left your body hot but your heart unfazed. bodies is not really something he wants to discuss with Haru ever, but especially not now, so he breaks the only rule Haru set for them, and looks over, mouth opening, but]
[saying nothing, at what he sees. he breaks another rule that he doesn't realise Haru has set, immediately thereafter]
Haru...?
[because Haru might think he's slick and unobtrusive, but he's never -- made that expression before. it's not ever calm or serene, to hold back tears; it always looks like someone is in pain. there's a crease at Haru's brow that's never there, and a slant to his mouth that's all wrong, and even if Rin doesn't love Haru like he loves Makoto, his heart still hurts at the sight]
[so he moves closer, and puts his arm around Haru in half of an embrace, Rin's skin warm to the touch while Haru's is still cool from the water. he doesn't let him squirm away, if there's resistance, just quietly holds him near]
[of course Haru doesn't care about his body. he cares about people, he always has, in his own cloistered way, and Rin can't honestly believe the measure to which he's also counted among those people]
-- It'll be okay. We'll make it be okay, alright? [because he's insistent, now; even if Haru hates he and Makoto together, sometimes, he doesn't want Haru to feel alone, and he doesn't want to lose Haru, and he doesn't want Makoto to lose Haru] ...You can't just avoid me forever. I hate it. Makoto would hate it, too.
[he doesn't say, "don't cry," because Haru usually doesn't]
[ he closes his eyes a bit more tightly as rin's arm drapes over him, like so many other times he's done it, and it almost sears him now. his shoulders raise, head bowed, as if he has to hide from some physical blow.
and then there's the comfort. that it will be okay, and that's all he wants: nothing to change between them all. he doesn't want to have made it weird just by being honest, he doesn't want it to be selfish and awful to just say what he feels, and he especially doesn't want rin to pity him.
he inhales, sharp, and turns his head away. his eyes open to a blurry vision of the water before them, fixing on the sinking waterlogged towel. he bites the inside of his lip, knowing that talking will only make it worse at this point. the heat that streaks down his cheek is only one that shame can bring.
and then he gives a shuddering exhale, trying to expel his body of it all. it might not be the last time he cries in his life, but it's the last time it will be over feeling something like this. letting go is hard because he knows the feeling won't ever return to him, but it already feels further and further away.]
[Rin's heart suffers, mostly in empathy of his friend's distress, but also from that sense of letting something go. he'd be lying if he said there wasn't that tension between them sometimes still, not just competitive, that neither had ever acknowledged. it feels like something they've both worked hard at burying has suddenly been brought to the light, and it's precious and ugly in turns, dirty from never seeing the sun but with the same kind of homely charm as an unsprouted seed. it feels like having to give up on something old and useless but sentimental, that always just sat in a box somewhere, but survived several spring cleanings. it feels like end of new years eve, where a single moment passes with all eyes on it, and has to be let go whatever personal feelings remain. it feels like wholly, finally giving up on a first love, which is to say -- it hurts.]
[and it must hurt much Haru more, because the ache isn't as distant as it is for Rin, who's gotten to have a second love, already, and a fiercer, stronger, realer love, at that. Makoto's presence and brightness and caring have smoothed the way for more love and confidence to grow than bitterness and longing, and maybe it's because of that love Makoto's given him, without reservation, that Rin doesn't feel awkward or hesitant about comforting his friend. there's no pity, in the way he holds Haru to his side, and says nothing about the short breaths or the way Haru won't look at him]
[and when the silence starts to turn from comforting to something else, Rin's arm remains, and his voice returns]
I'll do whatever it takes to help make things alright, apart from go away. That didn't help shit.
[he doesn't say "I'm sorry," because it's patronising, and because he loves Makoto. he's not sorry, even though things have turned out this way; he's just... processing it all, still. he knows it as firmly as Haru knows it -- he doesn't want to lose his friends, and his position is so much more precarious, as an interloper, as the person inspiring the feelings behind what could cause a rift. he'll do whatever it takes, and he means that]
[ his eyelids drop half-mast as he turns his gaze to rin, blinking sluggishly, suddenly feeling drained of -- everything, really, because looking at him makes haru realize it's impossible for him to not believe in rin.
even when the situation was completely hopeless. his lips press together in a tight line while his head bows again, wiping at his eyes with a knuckle. ] I have a dream now, too.
[ he drops his hand, looking at him with a contrary, brave sort of vulnerability. ] I can't get there without you, so don't let this trouble us. [ save me from making it weird. he's relying on rin to initiate all of the normalcy between them starting from this moment on. ]
[something in his chest reverberates, watching Haru swipe his knuckle across his eyes. he feels stupid now, for doubting Haru, for misunderstanding his affection and taking his rejections too harshly. he may not be 12 anymore, but he definitely still tends to think of Haru in terms of absolutes; caring or not caring at all, rejecting him or holding him close. people aren't extreme like that -- even he isn't, with his turbulent heart. Haru's just trying to figure things out in his life as they change, the best he can. it's all any of them can do, and Rin wants to make a promise to himself, to be there for Haru, and not trip so easily into self-doubt instead. he wants to make a promise to himself to understand Haru and be patient with him, when he tries to run away or make Rin feel small]
[he wonders if this is how Makoto feels, about Haru -- if Makoto's peeled off all those hard, expressionless masks and seen this kind of version of his best friend, hopeful and fearful and sad and lonely and brave all at once]
I won't. I promise. We'll get there together.
[his hand comes up behind Haru's head, and he squeezes them together, temple to temple, fierce for one last moment, before letting his arm fall back into place around Haru's shoulders. it's always been there, and if Haru's looking to him for normalcy, he's going to try the hardest he's ever tried at anything to provide... whatever their version of that will be. he's under no illusions that what they'll build will be anything recognisable to most people, or even reminiscent of what Makoto and Haru have, or Sousuke and Rin, but it'll be something unique to them]
[the buoyed, hopeful feeling in his gut prompts him to ask, less firmly, however]
...You're gonna tell him, right?
[because Rin is going to, because he feels he should, but Haru -- needs to. it isn't fair to Makoto, to keep him in the dark about something like this]
[ he wraps himself in rin's warm repose, closing his eyes contentedly and waiting for them to dry out as rin's skin touches his own. he feels his heart race again, but it's more out of relief than of any feelings of an uncomfortable nature. the burden on his heart is gone and he can live with it, he thinks, because with one hope killed another one emerges: that they'll be fine and go on as rivals and haru will feel the way he feels right now — grateful for what he has and wishing for nothing else.
and then rin brings up what was troubling him even more than that troublesome torch he had been carrying. ] ...
[ he looks at rin in slow confusion, gaze flitting down at the water and then back at him as he tries to search for a reply. any reply but the only right reply.
was he bad for having those feelings in the first place? wouldn't haru and rin just forget about this anyway? it could be like it never happened. ]
[ he can't lose makoto. he doesn't know what he'd do if makoto couldn't look at him the same, didn't turn to him, didn't want to spend his free time with him.
the thought is harder to bear than anything he could imagine. ]
[he's not sure if he should be pleased or insulted, frankly; he'd rather be perceived as someone who's honest, definitely, but Haru's tone made him sound an awful lot like... a loudmouth or something, instead]
[still quietly, but with no small amount of emphasis]
Of course I am. And then what are you going to do? Just ignore him, too?
[the options before the two of them aren't great, Rin realises. but he'll be honest to a fault, and then Makoto will know, and Haru will need to talk with him about it, eventually, whether he likes it or not. that's a thought that shouldn't be so... repulsive and scary, as it clearly is. they're best friends, after all -- shouldn't that mean they can confide anything in one another, even the painful things? he's had to talk Sousuke through the death of his dream, himself; he's let Sousuke ask the impossible of him]
[but Rin remembers Haru sitting on the beach in Sydney, terrified of his best friend's feelings. that doesn't -- seem right. it's not what Rin wants, for his two close friends]
...Makoto's always been there for you. I don't think -- he wouldn't turn you away for something like this.
[this Rin is... mostly sure of. he's still learning Makoto, and Makoto's possessive tendencies, but Haru's friendship with him predated any thought of romantic tension, between any of them. there had to be something there that was strong, Rin thinks -- though who knew how strong, until it was tested]
[ haru is certain that nothing could get in the way of their friendship, except.
rin, maybe. if makoto values something more than he values haru, or just as much, and doesn't want to lose it. he could barely bring himself out of bed when he'd thought that he'd lost his connection with makoto, and it hurt to even shower or breathe and now there's
this. his jaw sets as dread pricks at his skin. ] No, he wouldn't. [ not outwardly. but what if he felt unhappy inside?
there was something so strong about their bond and yet so fragile. haru didn't know the two could coexist in the way that they did. ] He's Makoto.
[it's a comforting thought for Rin, because Makoto has been -- exceptionally open with him, lately. for a while, it seemed like Rin's own guard would never come down, but Makoto was patient, and now that it is lowered... Makoto seems to be trusting him more. with his fears, and his flaws, and his vulnerabilities. Rin has seen Makoto cry from sadness and happiness, has learned about his jealousy and insecurity, has been witness to Makoto stepping into wild water after confessing fear. Rin supposes, maybe wrongly, that Makoto's already this level of open with Haru; he's Makoto doesn't imply internalising unhappiness, or avoiding the problem. it implies Makoto's honesty, which Rin has fallen deeply for]
[so Rin nods, comforted, his arm finally falling from Haru's shoulders. he reaches in the other direction, picking up the goggles he'd (childishly) pitched to the side before. he sets about untangling them like he wishes he could untangle the three of them, and says]
...Want to swim for a while? We can race, if you want.
[how different, from racing for the right to be Makoto's boyfriend or not. Rin's cheeks hit up a little, remembering the inflammatory, embarrassing statement]
[ it sounds nice. everything is still normal, except for the fact that he can't stop thinking of what his next interaction with makoto would be like.
if making his strong feelings for rin known was hard, then it would be even harder for makoto, who was the target of just as confusing and even stronger feelings. ]
We'll swim. [ he decides, then pushes off the floor and drops right into the water. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: i can't believe this degrassi
[the emptiness of the statement reflects the emptiness of the tiled atrium; he always wants more from Haru than he can give, but this time, it's too much. Rin's not good enough for Makoto, not good enough to race, not good enough to befriend the Iwatobi team, not good enough for anything -- really, everything he suspected all along. it hurts, it hurts like breathing with broken ribs, but it's too late to change anything. he can't stuff his feelings about Makoto back into any box, and he wouldn't want to. he can't stop the high intensity of emotion he feels around Haru, and he couldn't if he tried. he can't keep from fucking up, but what else is new? he was born into this world that way, why should that pattern ever change?]
I've never hurt him, I've never put you in a position that -- and you still --
[a sob stops him, and he realises abruptly he's lost before he's even gotten into the water. he always has more to lose, when Haru bets nothing; no emotion, no relationships on the line. Rin's always been the outsider, and he was stupid to think anything's changed, just because they've been forced to live together here. it's forced, after all -- at home he'd be back in Australia, and Makoto would tire of long distance, and Haru would never have had to grow so uneasy. maybe they all would have drifted apart by now]
[Rin turns away, ashamed of his tears and his reckless way of feeling, and sits in the very spot Haru vacated. his goggles, crushed in his fist, have become tangled in themselves. he can't swim like this at all, and tosses them to the side with a harsh clatter]
-- Tell him anyway, if you won't race me for it. It's not like I could stop you.
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as empty as it might be, it resonates. there is no denying that he can't function as rin's friend while he's like this, and though he thinks everything is fine with makoto, he can't help but feel like he's doing something wrong or secretive every time he's around him and accepting his smiles.
why was growing up so painful and annoying? he misses how things are, but he's told himself to stop looking back. except right now he can't help but look back, after feeling his heart sink at rin's broken tone and change of breath.
he glances over his shoulder and feels his stomach lurch at the sight of rin sitting, almost as if he's been defeated. ]
I never noticed before. [ after a silence that felt much longer than it was. ] That I thought you knew. I'm not good at this ... [ he doesn't know how to love like rin or how to live like him or how to make his feelings reach others like he does. ] not like you are. [ he's facing ahead again, keeping his back turned to rin's back. ]
no subject
[it's bitter, as defeated as Haru views his posture. the water, cool around his legs, isn't doing much to calm the anticipation (for the worst to come) heating his blood up. he can't stand stand the sound his hard sniffling makes, in the face of Haru's silence]
Good at messing everything up? Yeah, nobody's got me beat there.
[angry, wry humour, the kind Haru might not be so used to, from Rin; remniscent of have you come to laugh to me? and the hundreds of other stupid, asinine things Rin said to hurt himself before Haru could, a year ago]
[(nothing feels worse than regression and loneliness, to Rin. he's had enough of both for a lifetime)]
[he expects Haru to walk away, doesn't bother turning around. rubbing at his eyes stings a bit, from where his hands touched the chlorine puddles at the edge of the pool, but he wants to get rid of all the evidence that he's a colossal failure, as usual]
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now that he's shifted away from focusing on the covetous anger of rin taking makoto from him, his heart has slowed enough to be understood by his own thoughts. he wishes he could drown it all out.
there's fear of something unidentifiable. rin had nothing to reject about his feelings — the process already occurred when rin threw himself entirely into his blissful relationship with the best person haru knew. ]
You're really ... so annoying. [ he tempers his breath, which naturally tries to push out in harsh bouts, rolling emotion out of his lungs that he wrestles to keep inside. ]
I thought I had caught up to you. [ he darts his gaze away from the tiled floor, bouncing it back and forth to try and keep his eyes dry with movement. there was no romantic way to reveal something so useless. he never felt ashamed of any of this until now. ] But [ his tone deflates effortlessly, as some last defensive stand his body can put up before it won't take any more, ] I couldn't make my feelings for you known in time. [ and he doesn't think he'll ever feel this again. it's not what he is. rin brought it out of him and then just abandoned him with it. ]
no subject
no subject
[ -- is something he never expected, because he's never had the ability to see Haru's heart outside of their shared dreams of swimming and winning and water. he's never been able to understand the source of Haru's daily irritation, and sort it out from actual anger or typical ire at being pushed out of his comfort zone]
[he's never been able to think of himself as someone who people have feelings for, which is the very depressing, very real reason he thought, at first, Makoto's confession was just an uncharacteristically tasteless joke]
What feelings?
[he'd looked back instantly, and his face gives him away more than the breathless, worthless question does; he knows exactly what kind of feelings Haru has had, because he'd had them once, too. it's a stunned, red-rimmed, slightly fearful kind of look, because this is completely uncharted waters for them (or at least, uncharted together)]
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[ could the truth really set him free? or was he going to only sink further?
all he knows is he wants to accept this wholly already. every last bit of it. ]
It's useless to talk about any further. [ yeah he's not turning around any time soon............. ]
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[if not, he can still try calling to -- the boy he wants to be his friend, more than anything, more than his rival or his teammate or anything it's already too late for]
Haru.
[soft, uncertain, because it's... all so messy. nothing like the neat love triangles of light novels and afterschool anime. not everything suddenly makes neat sense; namely, the way Haru's pushed him away since they were 12, the way Haru seems to fiercely resent Rin's "taking" of Makoto, the way his jealousy has reared at Rin instead of Makoto. maybe, how they understand these kinds of feelings are too different for Rin to grasp, but they can still try. Sousuke and he clash on basic principles, but they still try -- he wants that freedom to talk and argue and come to conclusions, with Haru, instead of constantly miring himself in endless doubt and anxiety]
Stop -- just, come here, for a minute, stop... running.
[they need to stop running. it just keeps hurting them both, when they do -- Rin's tried it twice before]
[it's the only secret he has (not much of one, considering his emotional transparency), but he does Haru the courtesy of meeting vulnerability for vulnerability]
I had those feelings, too. In... Australia. The first time.
[there was maybe a ghost of those feelings, the last time, but they weren't as important as the dreams and futures they all had to weigh. Rin was in no hurry to complicate his life with any of the Iwatobi boys, has confessed as much to Makoto that he -- avoided thinking about them, in that context, maybe especially Haru]
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his shoulders round as more tension drains while rin speaks — the admittance feeling more like a punch in the gut than anything romantic or relieving. he looks back at rin, then hurriedly rushes his gaze ahead once more, fixing his expression to something more controlled as he fights off any heat to his face. whatever contentment his heartrate had found proves to have been short-lived. ]
Don't say anything like that again.
[ his foot readjusts, turning outward. he's going to join rin, he just. needs a moment. the tips of his ears feel hot and his eyes burn a bit. was catharsis supposed to hit him soon? he wonders if this means he can finally breathe again. all he wanted to do was move past this delayed understanding of his heart that seemed to consistently mess things up for him. ]
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[he says nothing, letting the calm swish of filtered water and the cool, circulated air of the room take the floor. he's going to have to repeat that painful truth later, to someone it will be more painful to, and he's in no hurry to do so; it's easy to comply with Haru's wishes, for now, and to give him the space he needs in order to close it]
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[ he says it calmly and boldly, because that wish is the only thing he understands out of this mess and the only thing that's clear to him. it was a dangerous thought to have, but sometimes he felt as if he could lose anyone and anything but him. still, even as they saw each other less and less back at home. ]
I can't have these feelings anymore because of that.
[ their fight before had scared him more than anything he'd ever felt in his life. to feel that there was a gap created between them, that makoto was warning him that he would keep on moving if haru didn't, terrified him. he turns, finally, and raises his forearm, glancing off to the water as he rubs at his eye with his wrist.
he knows he can't ask rin to not tell makoto, but he hopes it's something that never happens anyway. ]
Don't look at me, got it?
[ he only sounds half-heartedly irate as he keeps his sight fixed away from rin. he then starts over to sit beside him — but not very close. ]
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[eyes on a small puddle beside Haru's foot, he says quietly]
I don't want to lose any of you. I thought... back then... that I should never say anything.
[everyone had thought it was cute; Rin-Rin's hero crush on his friend, Haru. as he got older, as he left Haru behind for Australia, he understood the feelings were messier than that. he understood he liked boys, and that he liked swimmers, and that he especially liked people who inspired him more than anything else, and -- and immediately felt terrible, because he'd already thrown Haru and the rest away, and had to keep throwing them away, if he ever wanted to get better and achieve his dad's dream]
First with you, and then with him... but then he said something.
[things have changed since then. he's not 12 and crushing on every inspiring guy to take the diving block, he's pursuing his own dream on his own account, and he's managed to let go of the weird, awful, wonderful tension Haru's always sparked in his gut. he's managed to appreciate Haru for what he actually is, and not the person Rin wants him to be. he's excited to pursue their dreams together, excited to continue being his rival, but -- he doesn't want more than that, anymore. Makoto's given him plenty, and he wouldn't give him up for anything or anyone in the world]
I'm, that is, I... I...
[am in love with Makoto Tachibana, he can't say, because he hasn't said it to Makoto yet. it wouldn't be fair to give his confession to Haru, on several counts]
-- I'm really serious, about Makoto, too.
[because he has to know]
Are you sure? That it's those kinds of feelings.
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he points his toes down in the water, then slowly kicks a leg, fighting the urge to slip in entirely and immerse himself.
so rin maybe felt that way before, but he didn't anymore. what he felt when they were 12 was probably very different than what haru feels now, but he can live with it. he didn't think anything different and wonders what the point was in rin saying anything about his feelings at all. they made his heart jump, briefly, and then left him feeling some sort of grieving acceptance.
but he did feel lighter. ] Maybe they aren't.
[ he says, low, wondering if he can reassure himself and rin at once and convince the both of them. that's when he lets his eyes close, stopping them from welling up and lacing them with an unnoticeable wetness. he keeps them closed. it only takes seconds for them to dry. ]
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Oi, you know what the alternative is, right?
[or at least, the only alternative Rin views outside of having 'true' feelings for someone; aka, feeling only lust or attraction, that empty kind of admiration, that left your body hot but your heart unfazed. bodies is not really something he wants to discuss with Haru ever, but especially not now, so he breaks the only rule Haru set for them, and looks over, mouth opening, but]
[saying nothing, at what he sees. he breaks another rule that he doesn't realise Haru has set, immediately thereafter]
Haru...?
[because Haru might think he's slick and unobtrusive, but he's never -- made that expression before. it's not ever calm or serene, to hold back tears; it always looks like someone is in pain. there's a crease at Haru's brow that's never there, and a slant to his mouth that's all wrong, and even if Rin doesn't love Haru like he loves Makoto, his heart still hurts at the sight]
[so he moves closer, and puts his arm around Haru in half of an embrace, Rin's skin warm to the touch while Haru's is still cool from the water. he doesn't let him squirm away, if there's resistance, just quietly holds him near]
[of course Haru doesn't care about his body. he cares about people, he always has, in his own cloistered way, and Rin can't honestly believe the measure to which he's also counted among those people]
-- It'll be okay. We'll make it be okay, alright? [because he's insistent, now; even if Haru hates he and Makoto together, sometimes, he doesn't want Haru to feel alone, and he doesn't want to lose Haru, and he doesn't want Makoto to lose Haru] ...You can't just avoid me forever. I hate it. Makoto would hate it, too.
[he doesn't say, "don't cry," because Haru usually doesn't]
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and then there's the comfort. that it will be okay, and that's all he wants: nothing to change between them all. he doesn't want to have made it weird just by being honest, he doesn't want it to be selfish and awful to just say what he feels, and he especially doesn't want rin to pity him.
he inhales, sharp, and turns his head away. his eyes open to a blurry vision of the water before them, fixing on the sinking waterlogged towel. he bites the inside of his lip, knowing that talking will only make it worse at this point. the heat that streaks down his cheek is only one that shame can bring.
and then he gives a shuddering exhale, trying to expel his body of it all. it might not be the last time he cries in his life, but it's the last time it will be over feeling something like this. letting go is hard because he knows the feeling won't ever return to him, but it already feels further and further away.]
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[and it must hurt much Haru more, because the ache isn't as distant as it is for Rin, who's gotten to have a second love, already, and a fiercer, stronger, realer love, at that. Makoto's presence and brightness and caring have smoothed the way for more love and confidence to grow than bitterness and longing, and maybe it's because of that love Makoto's given him, without reservation, that Rin doesn't feel awkward or hesitant about comforting his friend. there's no pity, in the way he holds Haru to his side, and says nothing about the short breaths or the way Haru won't look at him]
[and when the silence starts to turn from comforting to something else, Rin's arm remains, and his voice returns]
I'll do whatever it takes to help make things alright, apart from go away. That didn't help shit.
[he doesn't say "I'm sorry," because it's patronising, and because he loves Makoto. he's not sorry, even though things have turned out this way; he's just... processing it all, still. he knows it as firmly as Haru knows it -- he doesn't want to lose his friends, and his position is so much more precarious, as an interloper, as the person inspiring the feelings behind what could cause a rift. he'll do whatever it takes, and he means that]
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even when the situation was completely hopeless. his lips press together in a tight line while his head bows again, wiping at his eyes with a knuckle. ] I have a dream now, too.
[ he drops his hand, looking at him with a contrary, brave sort of vulnerability. ] I can't get there without you, so don't let this trouble us. [ save me from making it weird. he's relying on rin to initiate all of the normalcy between them starting from this moment on. ]
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[he wonders if this is how Makoto feels, about Haru -- if Makoto's peeled off all those hard, expressionless masks and seen this kind of version of his best friend, hopeful and fearful and sad and lonely and brave all at once]
I won't. I promise. We'll get there together.
[his hand comes up behind Haru's head, and he squeezes them together, temple to temple, fierce for one last moment, before letting his arm fall back into place around Haru's shoulders. it's always been there, and if Haru's looking to him for normalcy, he's going to try the hardest he's ever tried at anything to provide... whatever their version of that will be. he's under no illusions that what they'll build will be anything recognisable to most people, or even reminiscent of what Makoto and Haru have, or Sousuke and Rin, but it'll be something unique to them]
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...You're gonna tell him, right?
[because Rin is going to, because he feels he should, but Haru -- needs to. it isn't fair to Makoto, to keep him in the dark about something like this]
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and then rin brings up what was troubling him even more than that troublesome torch he had been carrying. ] ...
[ he looks at rin in slow confusion, gaze flitting down at the water and then back at him as he tries to search for a reply. any reply but the only right reply.
was he bad for having those feelings in the first place? wouldn't haru and rin just forget about this anyway? it could be like it never happened. ]
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the thought is harder to bear than anything he could imagine. ]
You're going to tell him anyway.
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[still quietly, but with no small amount of emphasis]
Of course I am. And then what are you going to do? Just ignore him, too?
[the options before the two of them aren't great, Rin realises. but he'll be honest to a fault, and then Makoto will know, and Haru will need to talk with him about it, eventually, whether he likes it or not. that's a thought that shouldn't be so... repulsive and scary, as it clearly is. they're best friends, after all -- shouldn't that mean they can confide anything in one another, even the painful things? he's had to talk Sousuke through the death of his dream, himself; he's let Sousuke ask the impossible of him]
[but Rin remembers Haru sitting on the beach in Sydney, terrified of his best friend's feelings. that doesn't -- seem right. it's not what Rin wants, for his two close friends]
...Makoto's always been there for you. I don't think -- he wouldn't turn you away for something like this.
[this Rin is... mostly sure of. he's still learning Makoto, and Makoto's possessive tendencies, but Haru's friendship with him predated any thought of romantic tension, between any of them. there had to be something there that was strong, Rin thinks -- though who knew how strong, until it was tested]
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rin, maybe. if makoto values something more than he values haru, or just as much, and doesn't want to lose it. he could barely bring himself out of bed when he'd thought that he'd lost his connection with makoto, and it hurt to even shower or breathe and now there's
this. his jaw sets as dread pricks at his skin. ] No, he wouldn't. [ not outwardly. but what if he felt unhappy inside?
there was something so strong about their bond and yet so fragile. haru didn't know the two could coexist in the way that they did. ] He's Makoto.
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[so Rin nods, comforted, his arm finally falling from Haru's shoulders. he reaches in the other direction, picking up the goggles he'd (childishly) pitched to the side before. he sets about untangling them like he wishes he could untangle the three of them, and says]
...Want to swim for a while? We can race, if you want.
[how different, from racing for the right to be Makoto's boyfriend or not. Rin's cheeks hit up a little, remembering the inflammatory, embarrassing statement]
Or just swim around -- and get my towel.
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if making his strong feelings for rin known was hard, then it would be even harder for makoto, who was the target of just as confusing and even stronger feelings. ]
We'll swim. [ he decides, then pushes off the floor and drops right into the water. ]
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